Angel {Wings}

I do not have much time to write this evening, which is unfortunate since I have so much to say and do. Jaric spends much time with his troops and I do not see him as often as I'd like. His welbeing is of my utmost concern at present, but I will not speak of why. I only pray the Gods are good to him - as good as they might be to someone who is cursed by them.

My time has been spent in various places. The orphanage, the forge, the library or training in the Courtyard. Kinsen has been here and there, mostly in the background with Catona. I am beginning to find my life lonely, when I am nothing but surrounded by people. They simply seem as though they are strangers. I do not trust as easily as I used to, my guard is up and I have no understanding as to why.

I have devoted much of my time to learning more of our religion, I blame myself for Amarra's personal charges.

For now, I must sleep, but i shall return soon with more. It is good to get ones thoughts onto paper.

Angel

May the Gods help me. I sit here and I find it hard to breathe. I need some freedom, but it'll never be granted....not like this.

Everyone stands and awaits my orders at all times, everyone demands something of me and all I can do is give - but its never enough. I sit and shoulder the responsiblity, this is the choice I made and I do not regret it.

So why, in my heart do I feel so upset? I want to be Queen and I weild the power with as much care as I can. I never abuse it, I am fair and I am just.

Yet, I am also a woman who works every day with little acknowledgement from the Husband she married. Jaric is distant, even if it is unintentional. I understand, to a degree that this is who he is..and always will be. I know he never married me for love and at the time, I accepted it for what it was. Now, I feel like I'm screaming inside. I desperately want him to notice me - a childish notion, I suppose.

Now, I've made a mistake, enjoying the attentions of others too much..one in particular who stands out. For but a few moments I was made to feel special. A favorite..he's in my mind. I'm a fool, but I'm also human.. I shall spend time in repentance.

I feel as if something has truely awakened within my soul and it all began because of my dreams and visions.

I see Aurorans so powerful within their suits of strong armor. All of them are stomping to the rhythm of their determined march. They are so perfectly in sync, each man as obidenant and faithful as the next, all ready, willing and able. They prepare for war.

This is my doing, and in my dreams I always fall as a victim I find myself a woman guilty of sending these men so easily to their deaths for my own whims.

Yet I awake stronger, with a strength of iron will that I have inherrited from my husbands very nature. The cause is justifyable - if SoulReaver still lives he MUST be taken out for dear gods, he will have no mercy upon us when the skies have lifted and he has won the battle. The Dracolich Chaaran shall follow his suit.

So be it. My decisions have already been made, and I am supported completely. The Gods have shifted and nothing has felt right since my dreams have begun. I need to find its cause, there's something wrong...

Standing tall with Catona at my left and Admiral Kinsen at my right - both of whom will have their own duties to perform when the war against Aegis commences. Jaric and I were shocked to discover the sword SoulReaver missing from our very own safe Haven.

This is dire, the consequences more so. Jaric knows who has it, Vladamir -the fool. What maddness must have taken him to unleash such upon our realms? I remember the demon SoulReaver...staring it in the face was the most petrifying thing I've ever done - the thought of having to do so again makes me sick. This is what will happen if Vladamir unleashes the Demon in the sword, chaos will reign and we have no choice but to step in and stop him.

What will this mean? Oh, the pain and anguish of many who suffer in its wake. War craves blood, and its always thirsty. The screams of the innocent will be heard, and my god, I fear the nightmares...

Jaric shall march with his troops and I am to stay and hold fort. His presence will be missed by all, especially myself.

The matter is done and settled. I finally buckled - reminded by Vladamir that I had no choice but to sign the documents. I spent three days pouring over them. I couldn't find a single flaw, the contract is gridlocked and it didn't matter, I signed anyway. I should have consulted Jaric, but he's in no position to help.

Perhaps, in an overtly noble sense I saw a realm that needed me. Last night I stood at the balcony and looked across the beautiful view. It can be a happy place again now - there will never be an auroran threat hanging over its head and we can truly unite. As I stood there, I realized that and it felt good. I know I've made a difference. I'm not usually arrogant, but I'm proud that the war was over before it began, thus saving so many lives on both sides.

I thought everyone else would be grateful, pleased that we were here to help, but as I walked into the throne room, I already felt questioned. Kharne talked of "proof" that I would need to convince the people of my new status. What more proof could I need when my troops have already taken station not only around the Meriddian palace, but around the realm?

I have called a meeting, perhaps clarifying it all will help the court understand where they stand with it all. Its times like this when I miss Jaric the most. I wanted him to see me take the realm and he was in my heart and thoughts as I entered the throne room for the first time knowing that it was mine to claim. I still think of our last words together...I didn't want to leave him like that and march onwards to Meriddia - but there was no choice, I had to finish the whole ordeal.

*The pen pauses on the paper* May he find repentance for his mistakes...and may I find forgiveness in him, as I love my husband dearly. So close I came to losing him, that I can't bare to think of it, the pain too close to my heart. No one knows what has happened, and thank god of it.

Too much time has passed since I have last put pen to paper. I am not sure why I bother now, except it feels as though there is no one else left. My recent brush with death is enough for me to appreciate that there might not be much time left for me and as thus, I at least want to be remembered in the written words.

What has happened, you might wonder, for me to speak in such dire self-condemnations? I wish it could be so simple for me to explain. The details are in depth, but all you need to know is that I was attacked by an Ursine that had been brought into the war room.

I..reacted on instinct and jumped in front of Kinsen, attacking the beast. As a result, found myself the brunt of the Ursine's anger. The wounds were fatal - they did not think I would make it. Everything happened so fast, I just...remember voices of those around me... more than I remember images - but I knew I was slipping away...slipping fast. In my mind, I saw Angelfire and SoulReaver. He turned away from me. He offered me a life of eternal peace, and I refused, I couldn't leave Jaric and the world I love behind.

My refusal was the biggest insult, and the bastard father that I barely knew turned his back upon me and let me fall into a pit of nothingness. Helpless, I prayed to the Goddess of Winter, and got exactly what I asked for. A desperate bargain was made, and my life on Aegis was returned to me.

Everything since then has changed..I am now a daughter of winter, and it shows. My hair is of stark white, and my skin paler than even I thought possible. My eyes...the blue summer shine is all but gone. When I look in the mirror, I realize that yes, I am alive - but I am anything but human.

My recovery has been slow and although I feel that I need Jaric more than ever, his presence has been elsewhere - tending to troops and plans that will play out against not one supernatural enemy, but two.

I am not the only one who has changed. Kinsen, my dearest and most treasured friend - the most loyal of the DragonKnight Brotherhood, also made bargain with the Winter Goddess. He offered a trade of his life for mine. For the second time, he put my welfare above that of his very own for the good of the realm. He has my undisputed respect, love and loyalty. I cannot thank him enough.

However, Mother Winter has changed him - he works for her now, and she holds his soul in payment for mine. It breaks my heart, to see one of the most humane of my soldiers turn into the cold heart that he now is. He is nothing BUT winter now. My poor, dearest Kinsen. It is though he has embraced the winter and all that she is. He draws his strength from her, and now he is invincible.

I want to say to him "What have we done?" but such words cannot be spoken, for it is already too late.